R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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