when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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