I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
