took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You did what with his pubic hair?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
