Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
where are you?
Hypothermia
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
