What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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