I cannot find my penis.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
