look no pants
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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