Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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