Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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