Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I AM VODKA MAN
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
