Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
