sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
