hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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