I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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