Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
