I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize