Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
