She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
