you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
