Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
