puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize