looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
