if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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