oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
