oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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