tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
