I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Two words: blizzard sex
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
