He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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