i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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