I just threw up on my dentist
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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