Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
