I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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