Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
