Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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