Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
