I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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