Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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