Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i dont even know how to be here
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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