he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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