remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize