Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
