How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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