I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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