My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Send help, water and tortillas.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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