dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
