Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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