I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Do vagina's smell?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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