Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize