I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
