I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
