Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
