Kiss
Puke
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
