I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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