apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
