i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The adults are the big ones right?
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