I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need moral support for this bender
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
