my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize