I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We need a shit load of segways right now
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
