"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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