Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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